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sushi & christmas
There and Back Again
Stuff I figure you might possibly want to know.
Pain, fear, tiredness, and poverty 
18th-May-2006 06:27 am
sushi & christmas
I am in pain. My hands hurt, so does my knee, my back my shoulder and my head.

Not all that long ago I had hope. It still flutters in and out, but not to stay, just to taunt me these days. I try to 'plug away' at things. The hand clinic thinks my hand trouble is now in a 'chronic' state, meaning that is not a 'simple' matter of inflammation. my living room is filled with boxes and things that should be in boxes. so is my living room and my kitchen. The allergist says that I am allergic to Dust mites and that I need to cover my pillows and mattress with special covers to avoid them. He does not tell me where to get the money. My 'mattress' is a lumpy futon that has gotten to the point of causing pain. My bed, the slanted one I built to help with my sleep apnea when my hands worked, is actually falling apart. The majority of my friends live far enough a way as not to be able to be called on to help me with any of this. My S.O. has had enough of her energy return to make it possible for her to use it up on the vital medical concerns that she has, thus hopefully insuring her return to health continue improving, though not quickly.

Most of you have options I don't. To make money stretch far enough to make it through the month (mostly that is), I get food bags from the local churches. My food stamps presently are enough to actually cover a large part of my my food bill, but not all of it. my 'budget' as it is does not cover such luxuries as new pants to replace my ruined ones, I think I have 2 pair now, one of which came from the clothing bank of the church too. Being on disability as I am, I am not able to take any time of small work to add to my income with out it endangering my benefits. But that is OK because the Migraines and hands make me unusable as an employee, thus the reason I am on Disability.

I look at my expenses, my side of the T-Mobile phone charges is $77.00, there is no house phone, but there was one the Long Distance charges, which are not applicable to the T-Mobile phone, brought the cost to go above that. Plus, with no T-Mobile phones still_asking and I would have no way to deal with emergencies like have a migraine that makes it impossible to drive while out., and still_asking daughter would not have the freedom to call when she wants to, for example: when she is in Florida or NY state. My side of the Cable, my only stable form of entertainment, and Internet combined are like $43.50. I could drop my Car insurance to the bar minimum and decide to be an irresponsible drive that cars little for others, oh what I CAN'T do that, My Dad raised me better than that. So $120.50 is the total part of my budget that I think anyone could possibly argue needs to be trimmed and I believe is mostly no adjustable as it would increase the likelihood expenditures. Anyone who thinks that with some reasonable budgeting and conservative spending I could bring it down, does not understand a bit about Bipolar disorder, or me and should probably read something else.

I wish I had more friends that lived near by, maybe then I could ask people to come by and help me get rid of things that are in the many boxes in the house or to help me clean up some of the dust that makes me have sinus problems, which trigger migraines and asthma.

I have 6 friends in the Baltimore area.

  1. My beloved SO who is doing the most important thing she can right now getting her things improved, thus decreasing the stress on me (I really wish she realized how much I mean it about that being the most important thing she can do right now)

  2. Gene, Disabled with depression, PTSD. He sometimes can come by, but I have to drive to get him and return him, so it is hard to arrange this.

  3. Mike, Works in columbia, does not realize how bad things are, has never really been able to understand the limits my BiPolar disorder put on me let alone the extra stuff that I have these days. And he is old friends with my S.O.s X-wife (that makes things feel weird).

  4. Rhi, She has a bunch of stuff on her which I wont go into as I am unsure of where her privacy interests are. Suffice to say, she has a huge load on her shoulders.

  5. 5. Rick, Rhi's husband and night shift worker. He can help a little some times, but that is it.

  6. Sue working in Kensington, with her own family to worry about. She use to be able to come by some when she was looking for works, but now it's get Matthew (her son) to school, go to work, come home and spend time with said son, and sometimes seem her S.O. Her weekends alternate from having private time with said S.O. and doing stuff with Matthew.

Everyone else is far enough away that asking them to drop by to keep me company while I decide what to trow away from my late father's stuff and maybe move boxes around it not reasonable. Of those I might try to ask, some are allergic to our cats or dogs, or both.

You know how people say that God(tm) 'Doesn't give you more than you can handle'? Then why do people kill themselves every day? have breakdowns? etc? The divine does not want to load us with the shit we have on our shoulders, but some one have to carry it and free will has its price on us all.

Before anyone freaks out, I am not suicidal, though I would understand why if I was. I am just tired and feel alone. Oh I almost forgot still_asking's car has a flat and mine is loosing coolant!

I hope this has not broughts you too far down.
good by for now,

tangent /o

18th-May-2006 11:30 am (UTC)
As one of the friends who is too far to drop by, I wish I could offer more than hugs.
18th-May-2006 01:08 pm (UTC)
It occurs to me that I might have a contact at church who can help with the mattress and pillow cover thing (might not).

Would it be OK if I ask around?
18th-May-2006 02:13 pm (UTC)
Yes it would be, thank you.
18th-May-2006 02:22 pm (UTC)
what size are your pants?
18th-May-2006 02:41 pm (UTC)
Them are usualy 46 W 30 Long.
19th-May-2006 03:35 am (UTC)
I swear before all the gods that I would give whatever was in my right and power to be your helpmate and not your burden.
19th-May-2006 12:27 pm (UTC)
not that it's even the least little bit of my business but I'd venture a guess that he'd rather die of food poisoning than let you think for a minute that you're a burden.
19th-May-2006 01:44 pm (UTC)
You are family to me and so you want to help; I don't know if Still_asking would agree with my perspective but I think you response was fine.

As to what you said, of course I don't want here to think that of herself. But I do admit there is a cost to her presence in my life and this house, That does not mean that the cost/benefit ration comes out in the red. The short form is that I love her and would choose far worse experiences if I had to if it was needed for her health or safety etc. Since she had come to be my love my live has improved. I am far better with her than I would be with out her.
19th-May-2006 03:03 pm (UTC)
I love you too.

19th-May-2006 05:08 pm (UTC)
By the way, imaginary_pets, you are a little off:

I would live through food poisoning from gumbo for her.
19th-May-2006 05:11 pm (UTC)
see! all is well. I mean, not that you're any less threadbare or starving or struggling with severe chronic health issues, but at least you have love - and nobody had to throw up.

what's more win-win than that? ;)
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